Dear Stackologist: Life is Full of Tough Choices

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Dear Stackologist,

I am married. I thought I would be happy to be married to my husband.  He is exactly the type of man I should be married to as we come from the same background and status but he isn’t my true love.  That belongs to my father’s ward.  He would be unsuitable to marry, I know but we are kindred spirits.  We used to run all over the moors together.  I think what makes me the most unhappy is that my love has ran off with my husband’s sister and married her.  I think I was much happier when he was mine and mine alone.  Am I wrong to be so down?  I just might die if I can’t have him.

Lonely on the Moors.

Dear Moors,

First of all, I feel like you got married for the wrong reasons.  While it might be important to please your family, this is your life and not theirs so if you are not happy with your husband then maybe it’s time for a divorce.  Chances are, if you are not happy neither is he.  As for your other issue, I’m not sure you really love him but want to possess him.  That’s not exactly healthy.  If he has gotten married, you should respect his decision but again I do worry about his reasons for marriage too but that’s for another letter.  Also I’m a little worried about you saying you will die without him.  No man is worth dying for.  Life is full disappointments and you must learn to live with them.  Nor can you expect someone to stay single just because you want them too.  You moved on, you have to allow that they will move on, too.

Sincerely,

Stackologist

Dear Stackologist,

I really like this guy but we sort of met under unusual situation.  He’s funny, and charming and also an addict.  He traded in doing drugs and alcohol for another vice, so to speak, but he still partakes in self destructive behavior.  I couldn’t take it. I could not stay and watch him destroy himself. So, I left. I moved to California with my Mom.  I have my own problems to deal with like my brother’s death and my parent marital problems (they’re divorcing).  I don’t need to his on top of that.  I thought I was getting over him when one day he showed up at my job.  Now all the feelings I had for him are back but I’m not sure I can trust him. He says he is no longer doing what he was doing but I just don’t know.  I’m not sure I can let him back into my life.

Ugh. I can’t believe I’m one of those letter-writing girls

Dear Letter-Writer,

I think it’s brave that you saw that you were in a bad situation and you took yourself out of it.  It’s not easy, especially when it involves someone that you care about. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time right now and by taking him out of the equation you are on the right path.  I think this is one of those cases where the only person that can truly help them is them.  It’s obviously difficult now that he is back in your life.  You want to believe he is better and maybe he is but more importantly, how are you?  Who is supporting you? Who is helping you cope with your brother’s death and your parents’ separation?  I think you need to deal with you first before him.  If he cares for you, then he will wait for to get yourself back together.

-Stackologist

What I’m Reading Now: All The Light You Can Not See by Anthony Doerr

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Our friend Katy started an online book club and this is the first selection.  I know this book got great reviews but I’m not sure I would have picked up on my own. So far so good. That’s what’s so great about book clubs, is they often challenge you to read books that you normally never think of.  (Also gives you an excuse to hang out with friends and get drunk.) Anyway, back to Marie-Laure and Werner.

I/

Dear Stackologist: Love Advice for the Young and Literary

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During this week ending in Valentine’s Day, we here at Stacks Exceed Life Expectancy will be offering our advice to any heroines or heroes who see fit to send us a missive.

Dear Stackologist,

My fiance and I have reached a sticky spot in our relationship. We’re going to be married before the end of summer and we’ve never…you know. Whenever we talk about it, he tells me that he doesn’t think we’re ready, that he’s worried about the state of my soul and he’s also really worried that he’ll hurt me. (He’s very strong!) I see his reasoning, I guess. If he’s worried about my soul, I should just let it go. But, I’m ready to move on to the next stage of our relationship and it is frustrating! help! I’m not sure what to do!

Vamps4Eva

Dear Vamps4Eva,

A relationship is about give and take. Sometimes, you don’t get exactly what you want but that’s okay because your partner is happy and there will come a time when you’re happy but they didn’t get exactly what they wanted. If you are happy enough with the compromise, then you can go ahead and continue on with the relationship as is. If you aren’t happy with the compromise, you should tell your partner how you feel. You should use I-statements (“I feel this…”)

My bigger concern is this: He is very strong and concerned that he’ll hurt you and he is telling you what to do with your body. You are in charge of your body. No one else is. And, I recommend being wary of anyone trying to warn you off because “they might hurt you”. This is a move often made by abusers to put themselves in a position of power over someone. They warn you off, you keep on, and then when something bad happens instead of dealing with the bad, getting angry, leaving, a victim will blame themselves for not listening to the original warning and stay and possibly get hurt more. I recommend talking to someone, a family member, a friend and making sure that you really are safe.

Finally, I know this is a hard to think about, pending nuptials and everything, but sometimes relationships fail because you and your partner want different things. Sometimes those things can be part of your physical relationship. It is a huge bummer but it is better that you realize it before the wedding than after. Think really hard about if this relationship is really what you want and really meets your needs, physical and emotional. Relationships are about compromise, but you can’t compromise on your needs.

-The Stackologist

Dear Stackologist,

I recently met this dude and he’s super hot and we get along really well together and I think I’m falling in love. Maybe for the second time? I discovered recently that in my past life he was indirectly responsible for my death. I also just discovered that he was directly responsible for a recent wave of genocide against my people.

But, I know he’s been abused by his father and he may have started the genocide as revenge for my death. I’m so torn. How do I reconcile my anger with him and my love for him?

–Blue from head to toe

Dearest, Blue,

Wow. I am so sorry, well, sorry doesn’t even cover it, to hear about the genocide against your people. That is a serious trauma and I recommend that you seek some counseling for that. And, if sounds like your dude might also be suffering from some trauma related to your death. I recommend that he also seek some counseling. It sounds like what you need is to have a serious discussion (or series of discussions) about his involvement in the genocide and possibly your death. And, you need to decide what you are willing to forgive and what you’re willing to live with. Sometimes, things don’t work out not because of how we feel but because of bigger concerns. But, sometimes they do.

-The Stackologist

Series You Should Check Out: Shades of London by Maureen Johnson

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Maureen Johnson is very active on social media.  If you don’t follow her on twitter, I recommend you do because she’s kinda hilarious.  Anyway, because of her internet celebrity, her books are not exactly unknown but for whatever reason, she’s not a big seller as some of her author friends like Cassandra Clare and John Green.  I’ll admit that I haven’t read her other books.  Yes, they are in my stacks and I will get to them but I do adore this series.  The Name of the Star, and the Madness Underneath are the first two books.  The Shadow Cabinet is being released in the US today.  The fourth book doesn’t have a title yet.  I haven’t had a chance to read The Shadow Cabinet yet because I thought I would wait until the actually release date.  Also I couldn’t get a hold of an ARC.  That’s ok, it has given my time to reread the first two.

The Shades of London is about Rory, a girl from Louisiana who’s parents have decided to do a work sabbatical in England so she decides to go to school at Wexford College in London.  She arrives in just as London is swept under Ripper Fever.  A copycat killer has taken to recreating the Jack the Rippers murders in the East End, which just happens to be the same place that Wexford is located.  Through a series of events, Rory gets swept into the Jack the Ripper investigation.  She soon discovers that the world is far more complicated than she ever thought.  That ghosts exist and only a few can see them and she is one of them.

What I love about this series is the humor in it.  I find Rory to be hilarious.  It’s a sort of a dry sense of humor that I appreciate.  Despite the fact that they are in a middle of a pretty gruesome murder investigation, Miss Johnson keeps things light.  The supporting characters are great.  Jazza, Rory’s roommate, is sweet but I think also keeps the story in reality.  Boo, Callum and Stephen, the other Shades of London may hunt down Ghosts but keep the good sense of humor about it.  I also like the mystery side of the story.  Who is the Jack the Ripper wannabe?  Is he alive or dead?  Rory may not be a detective and may be new to this whole seeing ghosts thing but she’s smart and pretty quick on the uptake.  She may need rescue from time to time but she’s also not weak either.

So far the series has tackled what is death, person-hood and dealing with PTSD.  The last one is important issue to tackle.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not new to YA literature.  Katniss Everdeen and Tris Prior have both suffered PTSD but they never really dealt with it.  In the Madness Underneath, Rory has troubles dealing with the events of the Name of the Stars.  Without going into what, I will say that Rory does seek therapy.  First her parents have her in counseling and then she seeks other counseling.  To say more will spoil the book so I will leave it at that but at least Rory is getting treatment for PTSD which is more then Katniss or Tris ever did.

So go read the Shades of London and fall in love with Rory and Stephen and Jazza and Boo.  I think you all will like it.

Review: Red Rising by Pierce Brown

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Featured imageI wanted to like this book more then I did.  It’s not that I didn’t like it but I found it hard to get into it and stay into it.  I’m not sure if it was the writing style or the characters or the pacing.  I just never truly connected with it fully.  Maybe I have hit my threshold on Hunger Gamesish type dystopian.

Red Rising is about Darrow, who is a miner on Mars.  He and his family are Reds.  The lowest of the color castes.  Their job is to mine precious elements to prepare the surface of Mars for colonization. They were told they were colonist but really they are slaves.  Mars was colonized for centuries and the ruling color castes, Golds, have been living it up on the surface, while Reds toil away below.  All this is revealed to Darrow after his wife, Eo, is executed and Darrow joins the Army of Ares to take down the Golds and the Society from the inside.

Maybe for me it’s more of a question of pacing then anything else.  Eo, is executed so early in the book, that I was never able to get to know her or Darrow or their relationship.  Obviously they were in love.  I got that much and apparently Eo was someone that everyone loved.  True, it’s sad when anyone is killed at such a young age.  Especially over something that is a simple as a song but it was a blink and you miss her and she’s gone.  Oh, ok.  Then Darrow is whisked away by the Army of Ares, told the truth about how the Society really is and joins the rebellion.  I guess I never felt I had time to know who Darrow was before all this happened.  I didn’t get to know where he came from before he was set out on his revenge.  I think this is also a problem of the author because to compare to the Hunger Games, the reaping happens very early on in the book and Katniss and Peeta are on the train to the capital by the third chapter but by then the connection for me was already made.  I was invested.

After a lengthy process of changing Darrow from a Red to a Gold, which includes surgeries, we finally get to the Institute that turns Golds into the leaders and rulers of the Society.  The Institute is nothing but a Hunger Games style of live action game of Risk. The students are set up into different houses where they try to invade, conquer and slave the other students.  Again with the pacing. At times, it was exciting and I hated that I was at my stop on the train and had to stop reading to get off but then momentum would end and I was like “can we get on with it”  The ending itself was also a little meh.  I guess it does set up nicely for the sequel, Golden Son, which is out now.

It was ok.   I’ll probably will read the sequel eventually but not right away.  I think this was Pierce Brown’s first book, so hopefully the next one will be better.  I like the concept, I do.  The execution just wasn’t quite up the the task.