Dear Stackologist: Life is Full of Tough Choices

Dear Stackologist,

I am married. I thought I would be happy to be married to my husband.  He is exactly the type of man I should be married to as we come from the same background and status but he isn’t my true love.  That belongs to my father’s ward.  He would be unsuitable to marry, I know but we are kindred spirits.  We used to run all over the moors together.  I think what makes me the most unhappy is that my love has ran off with my husband’s sister and married her.  I think I was much happier when he was mine and mine alone.  Am I wrong to be so down?  I just might die if I can’t have him.

Lonely on the Moors.

Dear Moors,

First of all, I feel like you got married for the wrong reasons.  While it might be important to please your family, this is your life and not theirs so if you are not happy with your husband then maybe it’s time for a divorce.  Chances are, if you are not happy neither is he.  As for your other issue, I’m not sure you really love him but want to possess him.  That’s not exactly healthy.  If he has gotten married, you should respect his decision but again I do worry about his reasons for marriage too but that’s for another letter.  Also I’m a little worried about you saying you will die without him.  No man is worth dying for.  Life is full disappointments and you must learn to live with them.  Nor can you expect someone to stay single just because you want them too.  You moved on, you have to allow that they will move on, too.

Sincerely,

Stackologist

Dear Stackologist,

I really like this guy but we sort of met under unusual situation.  He’s funny, and charming and also an addict.  He traded in doing drugs and alcohol for another vice, so to speak, but he still partakes in self destructive behavior.  I couldn’t take it. I could not stay and watch him destroy himself. So, I left. I moved to California with my Mom.  I have my own problems to deal with like my brother’s death and my parent marital problems (they’re divorcing).  I don’t need to his on top of that.  I thought I was getting over him when one day he showed up at my job.  Now all the feelings I had for him are back but I’m not sure I can trust him. He says he is no longer doing what he was doing but I just don’t know.  I’m not sure I can let him back into my life.

Ugh. I can’t believe I’m one of those letter-writing girls

Dear Letter-Writer,

I think it’s brave that you saw that you were in a bad situation and you took yourself out of it.  It’s not easy, especially when it involves someone that you care about. It sounds like you are going through a difficult time right now and by taking him out of the equation you are on the right path.  I think this is one of those cases where the only person that can truly help them is them.  It’s obviously difficult now that he is back in your life.  You want to believe he is better and maybe he is but more importantly, how are you?  Who is supporting you? Who is helping you cope with your brother’s death and your parents’ separation?  I think you need to deal with you first before him.  If he cares for you, then he will wait for to get yourself back together.

-Stackologist

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