Dear Stackologist: Love Advice for the Young and Literary

During this week ending in Valentine’s Day, we here at Stacks Exceed Life Expectancy will be offering our advice to any heroines or heroes who see fit to send us a missive.

Dear Stackologist,

My fiance and I have reached a sticky spot in our relationship. We’re going to be married before the end of summer and we’ve never…you know. Whenever we talk about it, he tells me that he doesn’t think we’re ready, that he’s worried about the state of my soul and he’s also really worried that he’ll hurt me. (He’s very strong!) I see his reasoning, I guess. If he’s worried about my soul, I should just let it go. But, I’m ready to move on to the next stage of our relationship and it is frustrating! help! I’m not sure what to do!

Vamps4Eva

Dear Vamps4Eva,

A relationship is about give and take. Sometimes, you don’t get exactly what you want but that’s okay because your partner is happy and there will come a time when you’re happy but they didn’t get exactly what they wanted. If you are happy enough with the compromise, then you can go ahead and continue on with the relationship as is. If you aren’t happy with the compromise, you should tell your partner how you feel. You should use I-statements (“I feel this…”)

My bigger concern is this: He is very strong and concerned that he’ll hurt you and he is telling you what to do with your body. You are in charge of your body. No one else is. And, I recommend being wary of anyone trying to warn you off because “they might hurt you”. This is a move often made by abusers to put themselves in a position of power over someone. They warn you off, you keep on, and then when something bad happens instead of dealing with the bad, getting angry, leaving, a victim will blame themselves for not listening to the original warning and stay and possibly get hurt more. I recommend talking to someone, a family member, a friend and making sure that you really are safe.

Finally, I know this is a hard to think about, pending nuptials and everything, but sometimes relationships fail because you and your partner want different things. Sometimes those things can be part of your physical relationship. It is a huge bummer but it is better that you realize it before the wedding than after. Think really hard about if this relationship is really what you want and really meets your needs, physical and emotional. Relationships are about compromise, but you can’t compromise on your needs.

-The Stackologist

Dear Stackologist,

I recently met this dude and he’s super hot and we get along really well together and I think I’m falling in love. Maybe for the second time? I discovered recently that in my past life he was indirectly responsible for my death. I also just discovered that he was directly responsible for a recent wave of genocide against my people.

But, I know he’s been abused by his father and he may have started the genocide as revenge for my death. I’m so torn. How do I reconcile my anger with him and my love for him?

Blue from head to toe

Dearest, Blue,

Wow. I am so sorry, well, sorry doesn’t even cover it, to hear about the genocide against your people. That is a serious trauma and I recommend that you seek some counseling for that. And, if sounds like your dude might also be suffering from some trauma related to your death. I recommend that he also seek some counseling. It sounds like what you need is to have a serious discussion (or series of discussions) about his involvement in the genocide and possibly your death. And, you need to decide what you are willing to forgive and what you’re willing to live with. Sometimes, things don’t work out not because of how we feel but because of bigger concerns. But, sometimes they do.

-The Stackologist

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